This week life hit me hard. I’m talking emotional breakdown, bawling on the phone to my mom and then for hours afterwards hard. I finally gave up this week, and it has been so freeing.
Ever since I moved to Oklahoma, I have found myself in the middle of a power struggle. A struggle between my own stubborn desires and the desires that God has for me. I thought I knew best, I thought I knew what He was calling me to do… but, did I even ask Him?
I have done a lot of reflecting these past few weeks as I have noticed myself complaining more, feeling so frustrated, and ultimately coming to the realization that I have lost much of the joy that God has gifted me with. I feel like I am just existing. I have gotten so down in what I don’t have and what I want to happen that I have completely forgotten about what I do have and what is currently happening.
For example: an amazing, supportive family, a roof over my head, a job, friends at work, clothes to wear that will keep me warm through the impending winter, never worrying about having food to eat, having savings, having a car, having breath in me to keep on living.
Friends, there is SO MUCH to be thankful for, SO MUCH to be joyful for, in every situation.
Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
Perspective is a powerful thing. Glass half empty or half full kinda thing, ya know?
In my blindness to the joys that are ever present, I had/have also blind to God’s plan for me. I took this job in Oklahoma because I wanted it. I wanted to work for this organization no matter what so I took any job they offered me, despite knowing wholeheartedly that God has more in store for me. I got scared I wouldn’t get another offer. I didn’t want to move home again. I ignored many warning signs, and in my own stubborn ways I packed up all I had in Kansas City and moved south.
In my deep desire to be settled. I let the enemy steal from me, and I settled for less than God’s best for me.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
God wants to bring us joy, and life, and life to the fullest. How incredible is that??? He wants the best for us, but we often think that we know what is best. I try to write my story time and time again, but Jesus is the greatest author ever.
I am now, again, in the midst of a power struggle of letting go of the image I have in my head of my “perfect life” and am letting go to see what desires God has placed in my heart. I am trying to rest in the presence of the Good, Good Father. I gave my burdens, my dreams, my everything to Jesus and I immediately got some peace. I don’t have a clue what will happen in the future, but I know that resting in Jesus is the answer.
It is hard to rest. In this go, go, go world, it is hard to rest in the presence of the Lord. I am struggling with this now, but I encourage you to do whatever you need to feel close to the Lord. I read a blog this week where a lady wakes up each day and drives out to see the complete sunrise. For me, it is a drive in the country seeing cattle and ranches and God’s beauty. I don’t know for sure what it is, but I feel so close to Jesus when I am way out on a county road. Find what it is for you. Seek Jesus and the rest will come–in God’s timing though. 🙂
I don’t know what the next step for me is, but I know with all my heart that following Jesus will always bring me greater fulfillment and joy than chasing my earthly “dreams” will.
Praise Jesus y’all, He is so, so good.